


maybe i don't want heaven

by krucxa



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Non-Famous, Angst with a Happy Ending, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Light Angst, M/M, Nonbinary Character, Trans Character, but like? through minhos eyes??, cause My God i just want some representation :/, gender is fucked up and heres my way of coping w it !, jisung struggling with being nonbinary, like. besides the angst? this is just Soft hdfghs, minho is whipped, no beta we die like men, seriously i have no idea how to tag this jgsk, this fic is like.
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-28
Updated: 2018-12-28
Packaged: 2019-09-29 08:43:06
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,801
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17200280
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/krucxa/pseuds/krucxa
Summary: "I just. I don't want to be called that," he murmurs, his gaze stuck somewhere behind the older, "you know. Handsome. I think... I think I'd prefer just, uh, pretty, I guess."





	maybe i don't want heaven

**Author's Note:**

> did i just come back with an unrelated fic even tho i have like 5 other wips? maybe so.  
> thats what ppl call a power move babey  
> (yeah no. actually. i'm sorry?? but like. this fic is honestly the only thing i've actually been able to finish lately so. ya.)  
> anywho if you're an enby like me: ilu. ur valid. uwu  
> i hope y'all like this word vomit !
> 
> !! ALSO !!  
> !! ᴛʜᴇʀᴇ ᴀʀᴇ ʙʀɪᴇғ ᴍᴇɴᴛɪᴏɴs ᴏғ ᴛʀᴀɴsᴘʜᴏʙɪᴀ ᴀɴᴅ ʜᴏᴍᴏᴘʜᴏʙɪᴀ !!
> 
> pls don't read if that'll make u uncomfy. be careful bubs

i.

He doesn't think about it much the first time it happens.

They're standing in the kitchen of Minho's house, the rays of the setting sun lazily painting the room in warm yellows and oranges, visibly contrasting with the dark blue shadows where the light doesn't reach.

Minho's leaning over the counter, his arms resting on the edge as he silently watches the scene before him.

Which, turns out to be his mother cooing over Jisung as if she hadn't seen him in years - when, in fact, the boy literally visited them just the day before.

But really, Minho can't actually judge her.

Because Jisung has this _vibe_ about him.

The kind of vibe that makes people warm up to him way quicker than it usually does to others; the kind of vibe that brings comfort, that softens the edges and calms the irritating, day to day anxiety.

Maybe it's because of the way he looks, or maybe it's just his open minded personality. Personally, Minho likes to think it's because of his resemblance to a teddy bear.

And Minho's mother was always an affectionate woman.

So he's not surprised when he sees her pinching the younger boy's cheek with a warm smile, pulling lightly as she huffs out a, "Jisung! You've grown up so much! What a handsome boy, you are!"

And that's the moment something in Jisung's gaze changes.

"Thank you," he replies, his voice as stable as always, yet in his eyes there's a glint of... _something_ , that Minho can't quite put his finger on. Really, it's barely noticable - so much, that Minho wouldn't even realize something was wrong if he wasn't currently looking at Jisung.

But he was.

So he didn't miss it, even if he didn't really understand _what_ it was.

That's why Minho doesn't ask him about it outright, keeping his mouth shut for the next five minutes, until his mother leaves the room with a last, wide smile.

Jisung's hand is stuck mid wave, his eyes still staring at the door frame. His back straightened, strangely stiff when he drowns in his own thoughts, and Minho lets him ponder for a second, before pushing off the counter and slowly making his way over to the other.

Gently, he places his hand on Jisung's shoulder to get his attention, and the boy jolts, but quickly calms down after shooting a glance at the older. There's a questioning hum that leaves his lips.

"What's wrong?"

Blunt, straight to the point - what Minho's the best at. He mentally winces at his own choice of words, not for the first time wishing he could be better at social interactions, like the boy in front of him.

But Jisung's mouth only pulls into a half-smile in response, his eyebrows lifting in amusement.

Even if his stance still hints at emotions that Minho doesn't get.

"It's just..." he drifts off, inching away from Minho's touch; the olders hand remaining between them before he slowly retracts it, "I don't know, it's kinda stupid."

Minho can feel his brows furrowing, and can only hope he doesn't look irritated - he's just worried.

"It's really not, if it makes you feel this way."

Jisung keeps avoiding Minho's eyes.

If that makes him more comfortable, though, then Minho guesses it's okay.

"I just. I don't want to be called that," he murmurs, his gaze stuck somewhere behind the older, "you know. Handsome. I think... I think I'd prefer just, uh, pretty, I guess."

His fingers gripping at his sleeves, he seems almost embarrassed to say it out loud, the words sounding choked out and maybe there's a rosy tint on his cheeks - but that might've just been the light, so Minho doesn't pay it much mind.

"Okay," he whispers, a grin slowly creeping onto his face as he looks at his best friend.

"Okay, that's okay. If that's what you're comfy with, then hell, you're the prettiest of them all, Jisung."

When Jisung looks at him this time, it's with a slightly smaller, but softer smile, and the _thank you_ he mumbles doesn't have that stranded sound to it, as it did before.

ii.

It's a bit after five in the evening, the already setting sun hiding behind thick clouds, making it seem as if it was way later than it actually is.

His steady breaths show up in white puffs, something he would joke about when all of them were still kids, imitating the smoke of a cigarette because that's what they thought was _cool_ at the time - now, it's just a memory, a reminder of what was and what's left.

He's glad that Jisung's one of the latter.

Even if they did have some questionable childhood friends.

It's funny, how much a person changes as they grow up. Back then, they would scrunch their noses at anything coloured pink, would deny liking things considered too _girly_.

Younger Minho would probably flip out if he saw his older self out, shopping for clothes with Jisung pulling him towards every second store.

But younger Minho was a brat, anyway, so present Minho doesn't care.

"Minho, look! That shirt looks all glittery! _God_ , I've never needed anything more in my life," Jisung says, and he can practically feel the pout in his voice.

So, he only rolls his eyes with a soft smile before letting the younger tug him into the shop.

Only then does he notice the familiar kind of comfortable vibes that the store gives off.

As his eyes study his surroundings, he notes the various fairy lights hanged right under the ceiling, the pastel, peach and brown walls and some inspirational quotes written on them in white paint. He's also pretty sure he can hear a faint melody coming from the center of the shop - a rather calm tune, loosely reminding him of a lullaby. Exactly what he thinks would fit Jisung's tastes.

And judging by the boy's delighted expression, it _really_ does.

So Minho just stands to the side, watching as the boy's fingers graze all the different materials, his chest filling with a certain warmth whenever Jisung gasps in that cute way of his - because the texture is _just right_ \- or when his nose scrunches at the ones he doesn't like.

It takes some time. But really, it always does, so Minho's already used to this, by now.

Soon, he joins in, picking a few clothes for himself. He fully knows he doesn't have enough money to buy them all, but he might be weak for Jisung's pleading stare. Even if his broke self is going to regret this later, right now, it feels good.

The other customers are mostly girls, Minho notices at some point. He's pretty sure he can see two of them holding hands in the corner of the store, which, okay, cute. But it's not what he focuses on. What irritates him is that he can feel the odd looks thrown at him and Jisung.

And he knows Jisung can feel them, too.

It's not that hard to guess, when the boy's pace slows down the slightest bit, turning his head away from Minho, before he stops in front of a row of displayed dresses and skirts, his lips forming a straight line. Minho only glances at him in silence, before his gaze turns to the clothes in his hands.

That's when a vaguely feminine voice reaches them, causing Jisung to startle and almost drop what he's holding, "how cute!"

The old lady doesn't seem to notice the stink eye Minho throws her. Instead, she turns her full attention to Jisung and continues on, as if she didn't just almost scare the boy to death, "are you buying this for your girlfriend? I'm sure she's gonna love it, it _is_ specifically made for young girls, after all," she interrupts herself with a chuckle, before pointing at one of the skirts - and Minho quickly looks at Jisung, but he still can't see the younger's face from this angle, "it's a shame I'm too old for this, look at how lovely this one is!"

Alarmed, he watches as Jisung's shoulders stiffen. Although he knows it's not possible, he's getting scared the other would do something he'd later regret - especially when he see the way his grip tightens, his arms trembling just as the woman adds in, disgust dripping from her voice, "though, sometimes those queers come in and try them on, too. I think they just like to dress up as women, as gross as this sounds."

(He doesn't remember much of what happened later. All he knows was the anger that filled his lungs with every breath and the almost audible sound of his heart breaking as the younger boy finally turned towards Minho and he _finally_ got to see Jisung's face - as terrified and ashamed as he looked.

Suddenly, his fingers were circling Jisung's wrist, and the next thing he knew, he ran.

He didn't have an answer, as to _where_ , exactly, they were running. As soon as he saw the panic settling in on Jisung's features, he knew he had to get him out of there.)

Now, as he glances at the younger sitting next to him, he can't think of anything to say.

They end up in a nearby park, curled under one of the bigger trees - the cold ground is uncomfortable to sit on, the wind's tickling Minho's nose and he can only wrap his arms around Jisung when he sees the boy shivering.

Ironically, they're underdressed for the weather.

Jisung's cheeks are pink and wet from the tears that Minho didn't even notice until now - he hopes the boy can tell everything Minho can't put into words from the look on his face, hopes he'll cheer up eventually, hopes they don't catch a cold because of his own recklessness.

iii.

They do, in fact, end up getting sick.

That's why it isn't until five days later that they see each other.

(He doesn't know about Jisung, but personally, he barely even left his own bedroom at the time. He's always been almost stupidly lucky with his health - so much, that when he actually does get ill, he's basically deemed immobile.)

Okay, so, _maybe_ Minho should've told Jisung he was going to visit. Or _maybe_ he should've at least knocked. But they gave each other spare keys for a reason, so what's wrong with Minho actually using it?

Exactly.

Best friend priveledges. Beautiful, aren't they?

Still, doesn't change the fact that he probably should've seen this one coming.

"Yo, Jisung!" he calls out, hooking his foot around the door and gently pushing it closed, before turning around, "where are you, loser?"

His eyebrows furrow when he receives no response, and he glances around slowly. The door to Jisung's room is open - if the boy was inside, it'd be easy for Minho to spot him from his spot. The living room is out, too. It's too quiet for the boy to be playing any games, the lack of loud music filling the house another hint that Jisung probably's not inside.

Now, kitchen is simply out of the question.

Minho winces when a memory resurfaces in his mind - a memory from the last time he let Jisung make pancakes.

They're both still too traumatized to even _look_ in any kitchens direction after that.

That only leaves out the bathroom.

He doesn't waste time as he walks up to the door, the handle squeaking in protest when he pulls at it lightly - and before it even opens fully he can hear a hitch in someone's breathing, followed quickly by a hushed curse, before his gaze meet Jisung's widened eyes.

Minho can only blink, confused, when neither of them speak up. Then, he notices the lightly smudged lines around Jisung's eyes, a barely visible, brown eyeshadow carefully sprinkled in the corner of his eyelids - it glints in the harsh, bathroom lights, and for a second, Minho's at a loss of words, as he finally tears his eyes away and looks at the eyeliner, still in Jisung's hand.

Then, the word _alluring_ fills his thoughts, and he clears his throat.

"I- I was thinking of a movie night, if you'd be up for it?" he says, his fingers fidgeting with the sleeve of his hoodie, "I mean, we could like, uh, order some takeout," he meets Jisung's gaze before adding in, "you know, since neither of us still probably won't even step into the kitchen."

At the comment, Jisung's lips quirk up and as suddenly as it started, the awkward tension vanishes.

"I guess it's a good thing then, that I haven't put on any lipstick yet," he butts in, and before Minho knows it, they're both gasping for air, from just how much they're giggling.

iv.

"Um, Minho?"

Jisung's voice sounds shaky as he sticks his head into the room, half of his body still hiding behind the door to Minho's bedroom, as if it was some kind of a shield from the world - or, in this case, the older boy - though, Minho has no idea why.

"Yeah?" he murmurs, shooting Jisung a questioning glance before putting down the book he's been reading just seconds before.

There's a minute of silence that follows; Jisung only glares at the floor, his fingers tapping against the door before he finally shuffles inside, taking a seat next to Minho on his bed.

He's still avoiding Minho's eyes as he says, "I, uh, I've wanted to tell you something."

Instead of answering, Minho only tilts his head to the side, waiting for Jisung to go on.

He watches as Jisung nibbles on his lip, switching his position a little before deciding it's even less comfortable than before, his legs twiching until he crosses them, his eyes snapping back to Minho.

"I'm trans," he blurts out.

Minho can only blink - he doesn't even get _think_ of saying anything, because Jisung's already rambling.

"I mean, no, not trans- but, uh, actually, yeah? Kinda? But not really? No, I mean yes, I mean- ugh," flustered, his neck and ears gain a red tint to them, and he stops himself again, licking his lips.

Before Minho can stop himself, he rests his palm on Jisung's shoulder, smiling at him reassuringly, "it's okay, Sungie. Take your time."

The younger's eyes soften instantly, and he seems to melt at the mention of the nickname.

It _has_ been a while since Minho's used it, he notices. He makes a mental note to do it more often.

After taking a deep breath, Jisung tries again.

"I mean, I _am_ trans. Just, not exactly a trans _girl_? I'm, uh, nonbinary, if you want to be specific."

He glances to the side, and Minho squeezes his shoulder lightly before he continues, "I actually... used to think that I'm. Yeah. A girl," he scrunches his nose at that, "and, I guess it did feel right at first? But, with time... it kind of, didn't feel as. I don't know, real? Comfortable? As... me? So, yeah. That was wild."

A chuckle leaves his lips, and Minho offers the younger a grin when Jisung turns to him again.

"I'm... glad, you figured that out," he whispers.

The smile he gets in return is worth seeing every tear that spilled from the younger's eyes up to this point.

(They spend the rest of the evening in Minho's room, huddled up in the corner of his bed, talking about everything and nothing.

Later, when Jisung decides he's too sleepy to stay up anymore, they lay down, their legs tangled and fingers interlocked; Jisung's hand fits perfectly in his own, Minho decides in that moment.)

v.

**hey, i forgot to ask u yesterday** [09:12 am]  
**are there any pronouns you prefer?** [09:12 am]

[09:14 am] **oh**  
[09:14 am] **um**  
[09:15 am] **actually, yeah**  
[09:16 am] **like, when it's just you or like, my friends?**  
[09:16 am] **it doesn't bother me when y'all call me by he/him**  
[09:17 am] **but. like. around other people?? it makes me kinda uncomfy when strangers or like. idk, girls and teachers @ school call me a boy??**  
[09:18 am] **if. that makes sense????**  
[09:19 am] **so like. i'm okay with u calling me he/him but could u use they/them for me when like. other ppl are near?**  
[09:19 am] **if that's. not. too much trouble for u, or anything.**

 **don't worry babe!!** [09:19 am]  
**it's really not a problem!!** [09:20 am]  
**if that's what makes you comfortable, it's important for me to at least try** [09:21 am]  
**so dw i got you ♡** [09:21 am]

[09:21 am] **i**  
[09:26 am] **thank you**

(So maybe Jisung cried. Out of gratitude, that is.

And what about it!)

**Author's Note:**

> ayyy so. if u liked this?? please leave some feedback? :^)  
> also. my tumblr is @norenminz, nd my skz side blog is @straymemes if u'd want to hmu or something uwu


End file.
